"I feel a thousand capacities spring up in me. I am arch, gay, languid, melancholy by turns. I am rooted, but I flow.” Virginia Woolf3 minute
Just when life seemed to sail smoothly, my subconscious had a meltdown. It seemed like everything was falling apart and that nothing can fix this distressful feeling which possessed my heart and mind. All my beliefs, memories, skills and everything that I have done and seen in this entire 28 years on this planet had become a huge ball of mess. Is this what quilt feels like or is it just a feeling that an unheard voice feels like.
The turmoil in me does not seem to end and the restlessness became more evident with each passing day. Suppressing feelings had become a part of my daily routine and this became more natural as I grew older. The younger version of me had to hide the feelings for someone she loved, something she desired for, something she wished for, something unapproachable and someone she craved and yearned for. All these just balled up in a small bundle of chaos and eventually chaos had become a friend of mine. And the older version of me leisurely started to learn to direct these emotions in a positive direction and began to arrange the chaos in me and unravel myself.
I used to worry about everything that occurred in my life, situations which seemed normal and basic, I complicated and tangled them up. I worried about every tiny incident, I worried about how my life would mould eventually. I worried about letting my guard down and let myself be vulnerable towards one individual. I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy and that I deserved to be alone and insignificant. I was accustomed to feel these sentiments until I met someone who lightened up the dark rooms inside of me. Without really knowing I changed and it felt enigmatic. He taught me how to be an optimist and how to dismiss these pessimistic thoughts and how to focus all such energy to create something worthwhile and beautiful. He made my heart a better place to reside in, he made me realise that it is ok to get lost sometimes, as long as I find my way back. He encouraged me to be a better person and made me believe in myself again. And like Virginia Woolf said in The Waves “I feel a thousand capacities spring up in me. I am arch, gay, languid, melancholy by turns. I am rooted, but I flow.” And he believed that in me and I could see what he meant by that.
Despite having a wonderful man beside me to guide me towards the light, I sometimes choose to be aloof and love to wander on my own and that is something that even he encourages me to do to keep the relationship intact and sane. I could always relate to the lady herself Virginia Woolf from the book The Waves, “I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.” And that’s what happens to me each time I meet a stranger who turns into an acquittance and then a friend. That’s the beauty of being in this beautiful world where everyone is opinionated in their own way about an individual but I have made my peace with my heart to let go and have an assertive behaviour towards anything which crosses my path and take each day at a time and relish the moment. As we say “this too shall pass”.
THE WORLD INSIDE OF ME3 minute
Well, I always used to ponder over the question, how the world would be if it would be like the one which is inside of me? The free me inside can wear whatever she wants, and she does whatever she wants to do. A place where the happy me, the emotional me, the romantic me, the foodie me, the melodrama-queen me, the oh I am the most beautiful me, the bookworm me, the painter me, the actual free me, all live together.
Well, I always used to ponder over the question, how the world would be if it would be like the one which is inside of me? This thought amuses me a lot, why? Let me take you to a little tour.
My friends call me crazy, not because I am one but because I like to live on my terms. I have many parts of me living inside, they grapple, they wrangle, sometimes it’s like there is a world war going on, but still, it feels great to be lost inside of me, in the world of my imagination.
There was one time when I wanted to explore nature, wanted to be alone for some time, wanted to go on in search of myself at a place far away from this crowd. But asking parents and getting a yes for a solo trip before marriage being a girl is a big task. So all I was left with was one option, sit back on the couch, close my eyes and dream of the place I always wanted to be in.
And there, when I closed my eyes, someone whispering in a sweet melodious voice, with those invisible hands took me somewhere deep inside of me, to a place where I could live forever, a site so peaceful and calm.
After a few moments of relaxation, I was suddenly awakened by another voice, “Ye kya pehen rakha hai, itni choti dress?”, “Ye kaise bethi ho?” , “Itni raat ko bahar kyu ghoom rahi ho?” Again, this brought me back to the real world. Well, most of you girls must be familiar with comments like these. If you could relate, there is always a fear of roaming alone at night, of wearing short dresses, who knows when one will get eve-teased or chased by some creeps standing on the street, around the shops or on bus stands or railway stations.
At least my world has no space for this. The free me doesn’t have to live in fear or by societal rules in there. It’s not like she can’t live like that in the real world, but because somewhere she is restricted by her own family and relatives, she gets judged whenever she does something which is against their or society’s will. After all, society’s happiness is what really matters. Who cares what she thinks?
So, for me if talking to boys and wearing clothes of my choice means I have a bad character then I am happy in my world. If having opinions in this male-chauvinist world means I don’t respect men, then I am happy in my world. If getting judged for every single thing I say then I am happy in my world.
In my world, I am free as a bird with dreams in the eyes, ready for the flight. I can make my own decisions, away from all these bleak promises. I can do all the crazy things of my choice, sit whatever way I like, eat whatever way I want to, without any restriction. The free me inside can wear whatever she wants, and she does whatever she wants to do. A place where the happy me, the emotional me, the romantic me, the foodie me, the melodrama-queen me, the oh I am the most beautiful me, the bookworm me, the painter me, the actual free me, all live together.
Wouldn’t it be amazing to live in a world like that where everyone is freely expressing their own unique talents, everyone is working in harmony, everyone is expressing love?
The World Inside of Me3 minute
A lush green valley with HAPPY and successful corporate people enjoying sunsets (which, undoubtedly, is the most beautiful part of the day) every evening. A perfect world does exist (in my brain).
Well, this is who I am most of the days (read everyday), inventing a whole new world of oxymorons day in and day out. Women are called complex people for a reason, I guess. But complexity is an integral part of beauty.
The beauty of a flower always subjugates the gentleness of simple leaves.
I am no different from the ladies making their mark out there. My brain is always finding new ways to fight patriarchy while being subordinated by the closest males in my lives. I want to stay away from all the beauty standards set by people since ages while at the same timr I'm eager to know what's new in the fashion industry. It's impossible for me to make a decision about the length of my hair when I visit a hair saloon. Just like any other person, I daydream of being productive while watching TV and using my mobile phone. I am the protagonist and the antagonist of my story (no other person can be).
Beliefs are what I am made of. They hold my scattered thoughts together. The minute my belief system sees me entering into a world of bizarre thoughts where I feel helpless, it immediately drives me homes to a safer place where everything might not be in the perfect place but I'd be grateful about my family, friends abd achievements (I believe, this is what life is about).
Whenever I see a "Mighty King" on the television infatuated by the sharpness of his sword, I always wonder what the other edge of it might hold. Maybe peace, tranquility and a lifetime of happiness. I forbid going to the extreme points because that is where the problem lies. And I never intend to be perfect but genuine. Trying to reach a middle ground is more of my thing.
Talking about extremities and excluding the digital world would not do justice to our beloved social media. Not a single person is a social media virgin now. We're all addicted to it. In fact, I am a fan of this digital world. And the one thing that I am in absolute love with these days is whatsapp status. One of my friends has "stars can't shine without darkness" as her status, which honestly is beautiful, but also a fact. So are we turning to facts these days to find our daily motivation? Are we comparing ourselves to the sstars of the universe or the legendary stars of our planet. I'll never find out. What I actually know is that our poor souls need a ray of hope to keep going.
My thoughts are my only proof of my tiny presence in the vast world. Rational, raw, pure, anxious, whichever kind, I can proudly call them mine. They might distract me at times (to be honest, most of the time) but they're the most powerful gifts that I've ever received and I'll keep making my presence alive through them.