I’m a return on investment, not a refund!

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An insight to when life gives you lemons, you mix it with vodka soda and give it a complete plot twist.

The World Inside of Me

It’s a chaos around me, life is taking over and it’s an absolute mess. This chaos around me has driven me to a state that seemed far from achieving; Zen, within me. 

It didn’t come easy, and that’s an understatement.

I was screaming, screeching, thumping my palms on these walls; walls that I had built all around me.  Walls of self-loath, self-destruction. All results of a self-esteem, so broken.
I kept my pain hidden, well clothed in layers of denial and distress. 

Until one day, it refused to stay in that cocoon. It undressed itself, and brought itself up to my eyes; flowing in its own direction, at its own density.  

When storms come, they don’t notify you before hitting you with a force that dismantles you. Life is a series of these storms. Just when I had thought I had reached a life of perfection, after my juvenile struggles, it all came down, slow and steady.

A perfect life is a myth. A year earlier, I was in a bubble of perfection. I had, a romantic angle to perfection, a job that fuelled my idea of perfection, a flock of people around me hailing to me like I’m royalty to perfection. 

This year, has been a complete turn around. Things end, people run away, you can hit your lowest. Initially a phase like this gifts you bitterness in bulk, but the true worth of it all is abundant love. Love for yourself, which comes in a package deal with a gallon of salty tears, a dozen of prickly taunts directed to self, and a whole lot of warm hugs from those who you can proudly call your tribe, your home and at home we are all always at rest.
The feel of being at rest, this inertia, comes at a cost. This cost is paid by meeting yourself at a point of congruency, where you accept what it is, let go of what it could be, and focus on what will be your it would be.

To gather oneself, is hard; it’s constant process of falling apart, picking up your tiny pieces, fixing yourself a little every day. I have and am in the process of doing that on a daily basis, fighting my inner demons and loving myself a little more each day.

I would give the example from a seedling to a plant but since I am a pure commerce student, it’s only fair to bring that in here to explain the essence of what my struggle from this phase has culminated with:

  • I’m a return on investment, not a refund

My belief in myself has reached a new high, a place from where there’s a lot to look down at and remind myself of the consistency of plight and the blessing of this flight. Almighty has brought himself within me, helping me in all there is. I am free of the shackles my own walls, they will come back but now I do know that I will come back too, only stronger. It’s all about upgrading yourself to meet examples of the people you idolise, to be able to see yourself as a probable model of strength someday of not today.

The power we look for, in things, places and people is all within us, a lesson spoken of, practiced minimally. I urge myself to practice what I preach no matter the difficulty. The temptation to give up cannot and will not supersede the the restrain of keeping up to my word of not letting myself down.
“I will not let myself down, I’m a powerful woman”
Repeat it like a mantra and you’ll hit peace like it’s been in you since forever.

Now that’s something each of us should drink to.

Cheers,

Adya Pathak (some day I will be known as linguisticladki) 

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THE WORLD INSIDE OF ME

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Well, I always used to ponder over the question, how the world would be if it would be like the one which is inside of me? The free me inside can wear whatever she wants, and she does whatever she wants to do. A place where the happy me, the emotional me, the romantic me, the foodie me, the melodrama-queen me, the oh I am the most beautiful me, the bookworm me, the painter me, the actual free me, all live together.

Well, I always used to ponder over the question, how the world would be if it would be like the one which is inside of me? This thought amuses me a lot, why? Let me take you to a little tour.

My friends call me crazy, not because I am one but because I like to live on my terms. I have many parts of me living inside, they grapple, they wrangle, sometimes it’s like there is a world war going on, but still, it feels great to be lost inside of me, in the world of my imagination.

There was one time when I wanted to explore nature, wanted to be alone for some time, wanted to go on in search of myself at a place far away from this crowd. But asking parents and getting a yes for a solo trip before marriage being a girl is a big task. So all I was left with was one option, sit back on the couch, close my eyes and dream of the place I always wanted to be in.

And there, when I closed my eyes, someone whispering in a sweet melodious voice, with those invisible hands took me somewhere deep inside of me, to a place where I could live forever, a site so peaceful and calm.

After a few moments of relaxation, I was suddenly awakened by another voice, “Ye kya pehen rakha hai, itni choti dress?”, “Ye kaise bethi ho?” , “Itni raat ko bahar kyu ghoom rahi ho?” Again, this brought me back to the real world. Well, most of you girls must be familiar with comments like these. If you could relate, there is always a fear of roaming alone at night, of wearing short dresses, who knows when one will get eve-teased or chased by some creeps standing on the street, around the shops or on bus stands or railway stations.

At least my world has no space for this. The free me doesn’t have to live in fear or by societal rules in there. It’s not like she can’t live like that in the real world, but because somewhere she is restricted by her own family and relatives, she gets judged whenever she does something which is against their or society’s will. After all, society’s happiness is what really matters. Who cares what she thinks?

So, for me if talking to boys and wearing clothes of my choice means I have a bad character then I am happy in my world. If having opinions in this male-chauvinist world means I don’t respect men, then I am happy in my world. If getting judged for every single thing I say then I am happy in my world.

In my world, I am free as a bird with dreams in the eyes, ready for the flight. I can make my own decisions, away from all these bleak promises. I can do all the crazy things of my choice, sit whatever way I like, eat whatever way I want to, without any restriction. The free me inside can wear whatever she wants, and she does whatever she wants to do. A place where the happy me, the emotional me, the romantic me, the foodie me, the melodrama-queen me, the oh I am the most beautiful me, the bookworm me, the painter me, the actual free me, all live together.

Wouldn’t it be amazing to live in a world like that where everyone is freely expressing their own unique talents, everyone is working in harmony, everyone is expressing love?




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The World Inside of Me

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A lush green valley with HAPPY and successful corporate people enjoying sunsets (which, undoubtedly, is the most beautiful part of the day) every evening. A perfect world does exist (in my brain).

Well, this is who I am most of the days (read everyday), inventing a whole new world of oxymorons day in and day out. Women are called complex people for a reason, I guess. But complexity is an integral part of beauty. 

The beauty of a flower always subjugates the gentleness of simple leaves.

I am no different from the ladies making their mark out there. My brain is always finding new ways to fight patriarchy while being subordinated by the closest males in my lives. I want to stay away from all the beauty standards set by people since ages while at the same timr I'm eager to know what's new in the fashion industry. It's impossible for me to make a decision about the length of my hair when I visit a hair saloon. Just like any other person, I daydream of being productive while watching TV and using my mobile phone. I am the protagonist and the antagonist of my story (no other person can be).

Beliefs are what I am made of. They hold my scattered thoughts together. The minute my belief system sees me entering into a world of bizarre thoughts where I feel helpless, it immediately drives me homes to a safer place where everything might not be in the perfect place but I'd be grateful about my family, friends abd achievements (I believe, this is what life is about).

Whenever I see a "Mighty King" on the television infatuated by the sharpness of his sword, I always wonder what the other edge of it might hold. Maybe peace, tranquility and a lifetime of happiness. I forbid going to the extreme points because that is where the problem lies. And I never intend to be perfect but genuine. Trying to reach a middle ground is more of my thing.

Talking about extremities and excluding the digital world would not do justice to our beloved social media. Not a single person is a social media virgin now. We're all addicted to it. In fact, I am a fan of this digital world. And the one thing that I am in absolute love with these days is whatsapp status. One of my friends has "stars can't shine without darkness" as her status, which honestly is beautiful, but also a fact. So are we turning to facts these days to find our daily motivation? Are we comparing ourselves to the sstars of the universe or the legendary stars of our planet. I'll never find out. What I actually know is that our poor souls need a ray of hope to keep going. 

My thoughts are my only proof of my tiny presence in the vast world. Rational, raw, pure, anxious, whichever kind, I can proudly call them mine. They might distract me at times (to be honest, most of the time) but they're the most powerful gifts that I've ever received and I'll keep making my presence alive through them.

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