The world inside of me - "Antaraatma"

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The world is different from everyone's perspective. One may see the world as liberating; one sees revolution; one sees destruction; while one sees happiness. The change in the outside world inevitably affects one's inner self. The fact that one's inner self is something that's so easily amendable makes one think what the inner world really is. 


But the fact is I can't tell you that. Neither can anyone else. It's just something that exists within everyone, it lies dormant within you, consumes you when you're negative, lifts you up when you're positive. The inner world is something that reflects off of you. 


Back in the day, I was a huge anime fan, an otaku. There used to be this anime, called Bleach. In that, there is a certain group of characters called Soul Reapers who perform soul-cleansing if there are any souls that fail to pass on to the next world. Their swords are called the "Zampaktou" and each of these swords has a different power within them which can be unlocked through various methods. The Protagonist's sword (Zangetsu) lives within Ichigo and Zangetsu claims that the world is much clearer and beautiful in case Ichigo has no foggy thoughts. 

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In a way, I feel that is very much relative to our real "Inner self" or "Antaraatma" as I'd like to call mine. It's a fantasy world where I go to whenever I have a decision to make or a situation to be analyzed. This can be different for each person. If we consider Sherlock from the TV series, we realize that his "Mind Palace", the very reason for his powerful memory is, in fact, an inner world that he had constructed for himself. He has associated a place that he knows all to well and allocates each memory thread to a place within the entire "building". He knows if he goes to the right room and finds the right cupboard and the right drawer, he can reach out to the right memory thread.

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Now, I can't even exactly claim that the inner world associates with a "place" of sorts. It could be something that simply one is comfortable with. A concept that you know in and out could help you with almost anything. For example, Dr. Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory has an eidetic memory. it doesn't essentially mean that his brain has an infinite amount of space to store each and every person and can easily find it as soon as he needs something. He associates and correlates most things that happen in his life to something that he is comfortable with. Even his best friends were associated with characters from the series Star Trek to simplify his life and increase the efficiency of thinking.

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My "Antaraatma" is the place I run my simulations. It's basically how I assess any situation. There's a famous theory in the astrophysics world that claims that the universe we live in is a simulation run by God. Of course, I am not a God, so my simulations are restricted to me. I've been praised for most of my life that I have amazing critical thinking skills. I give credit to the Antaraatma for this. Every time a challenge is thrown my way, or I come across a crossroad with multiple waypoints and I'm forced to choose one, I do this. I go to my Antaraatma, I live at that moment. I check out the perspective if I was in that situation. I would understand what I'd do, does it lead to more crossroads? Or does it help me resolve the issue at hand? If it does, then am I happy with that resolution? If not, what else can I do? My thought process goes on...


Further the point in future I'm looking for, the longer I dwell within my Antaraatma. I portray "The world inside of me" to be what the "Inner world" or "inner self" is. To me, it's the fictional world where I run semi-accurate, hypothetical simulations.

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THE WORLD INSIDE OF ME

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Well, I always used to ponder over the question, how the world would be if it would be like the one which is inside of me? The free me inside can wear whatever she wants, and she does whatever she wants to do. A place where the happy me, the emotional me, the romantic me, the foodie me, the melodrama-queen me, the oh I am the most beautiful me, the bookworm me, the painter me, the actual free me, all live together.

Well, I always used to ponder over the question, how the world would be if it would be like the one which is inside of me? This thought amuses me a lot, why? Let me take you to a little tour.

My friends call me crazy, not because I am one but because I like to live on my terms. I have many parts of me living inside, they grapple, they wrangle, sometimes it’s like there is a world war going on, but still, it feels great to be lost inside of me, in the world of my imagination.

There was one time when I wanted to explore nature, wanted to be alone for some time, wanted to go on in search of myself at a place far away from this crowd. But asking parents and getting a yes for a solo trip before marriage being a girl is a big task. So all I was left with was one option, sit back on the couch, close my eyes and dream of the place I always wanted to be in.

And there, when I closed my eyes, someone whispering in a sweet melodious voice, with those invisible hands took me somewhere deep inside of me, to a place where I could live forever, a site so peaceful and calm.

After a few moments of relaxation, I was suddenly awakened by another voice, “Ye kya pehen rakha hai, itni choti dress?”, “Ye kaise bethi ho?” , “Itni raat ko bahar kyu ghoom rahi ho?” Again, this brought me back to the real world. Well, most of you girls must be familiar with comments like these. If you could relate, there is always a fear of roaming alone at night, of wearing short dresses, who knows when one will get eve-teased or chased by some creeps standing on the street, around the shops or on bus stands or railway stations.

At least my world has no space for this. The free me doesn’t have to live in fear or by societal rules in there. It’s not like she can’t live like that in the real world, but because somewhere she is restricted by her own family and relatives, she gets judged whenever she does something which is against their or society’s will. After all, society’s happiness is what really matters. Who cares what she thinks?

So, for me if talking to boys and wearing clothes of my choice means I have a bad character then I am happy in my world. If having opinions in this male-chauvinist world means I don’t respect men, then I am happy in my world. If getting judged for every single thing I say then I am happy in my world.

In my world, I am free as a bird with dreams in the eyes, ready for the flight. I can make my own decisions, away from all these bleak promises. I can do all the crazy things of my choice, sit whatever way I like, eat whatever way I want to, without any restriction. The free me inside can wear whatever she wants, and she does whatever she wants to do. A place where the happy me, the emotional me, the romantic me, the foodie me, the melodrama-queen me, the oh I am the most beautiful me, the bookworm me, the painter me, the actual free me, all live together.

Wouldn’t it be amazing to live in a world like that where everyone is freely expressing their own unique talents, everyone is working in harmony, everyone is expressing love?




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The World Inside of Me

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A lush green valley with HAPPY and successful corporate people enjoying sunsets (which, undoubtedly, is the most beautiful part of the day) every evening. A perfect world does exist (in my brain).

Well, this is who I am most of the days (read everyday), inventing a whole new world of oxymorons day in and day out. Women are called complex people for a reason, I guess. But complexity is an integral part of beauty. 

The beauty of a flower always subjugates the gentleness of simple leaves.

I am no different from the ladies making their mark out there. My brain is always finding new ways to fight patriarchy while being subordinated by the closest males in my lives. I want to stay away from all the beauty standards set by people since ages while at the same timr I'm eager to know what's new in the fashion industry. It's impossible for me to make a decision about the length of my hair when I visit a hair saloon. Just like any other person, I daydream of being productive while watching TV and using my mobile phone. I am the protagonist and the antagonist of my story (no other person can be).

Beliefs are what I am made of. They hold my scattered thoughts together. The minute my belief system sees me entering into a world of bizarre thoughts where I feel helpless, it immediately drives me homes to a safer place where everything might not be in the perfect place but I'd be grateful about my family, friends abd achievements (I believe, this is what life is about).

Whenever I see a "Mighty King" on the television infatuated by the sharpness of his sword, I always wonder what the other edge of it might hold. Maybe peace, tranquility and a lifetime of happiness. I forbid going to the extreme points because that is where the problem lies. And I never intend to be perfect but genuine. Trying to reach a middle ground is more of my thing.

Talking about extremities and excluding the digital world would not do justice to our beloved social media. Not a single person is a social media virgin now. We're all addicted to it. In fact, I am a fan of this digital world. And the one thing that I am in absolute love with these days is whatsapp status. One of my friends has "stars can't shine without darkness" as her status, which honestly is beautiful, but also a fact. So are we turning to facts these days to find our daily motivation? Are we comparing ourselves to the sstars of the universe or the legendary stars of our planet. I'll never find out. What I actually know is that our poor souls need a ray of hope to keep going. 

My thoughts are my only proof of my tiny presence in the vast world. Rational, raw, pure, anxious, whichever kind, I can proudly call them mine. They might distract me at times (to be honest, most of the time) but they're the most powerful gifts that I've ever received and I'll keep making my presence alive through them.

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